Today is All Saints day, but saints would have had no words for what happened last night. I am still in disbelief. Last night was what I am talking about! The whole reason I dreamed of living that university life. I want to immortalise every dirty antic that happened last night, so I will never forget why I came to Brighton.
First of all, Pilch arrived at my house and was “hyped” from the outset. He wanted to go and pull, as soon as humanly possible (ironically he should have calmed down, however, you will find out more later). Poppy, Stephanie and I had all planned to go to one of our friend’s house parties. With Pilch chomping at the bit to sample more delights of Brighton’s hedonistic nightlife, he was kicking up a right fuss regarding how long the girls were taking to get ready. We had to kill over 3 hours while they applied their make-up and had to settle for leaving the house at 11.30pm.
Eventually, we made our way to the house party, which was further delayed as the girls had insisted on wearing heels and were travelling at a snail’s pace. As we arrived, I was getting distinctly more worried at the lack of commotion surrounding the house. My worst fears were confirmed as for when we were greeted at the door, there were only three people left and they were all asleep. Now, we were already drunk by this point, but we got told everyone had made their way to town about an hour ago and that we were too late (no s***). Fair enough, it was 12 O’clock, that is a reasonable thing to do. Now, this is where events get interesting and our group splits.
Pilch had been informed that one of his former conquests was in town and wanted him to come and meet her. I said “mate, let’s just go back, get drunk, further lubricate our inhibitions and you never know, you might be able to finish from where you left off with Poppy. I can’t really be arsed to go out now.”
He had none of it and left in a cab by himself while Steph, Poppy and I went back to the house. Out of nowhere, I suddenly got hit with a wave of confidence and suggested that we should play strip poker with just the three of us (heaven). I didn’t hold out one iota of hope they would say yes, but he who dares… after all. To my monumental surprise, they were as up for it as I was. I knew I still had it!
We started playing and clothes started hitting the floor. It started with a sock and slowly progressed to the garments not often seen outside of the boudoir. I’m not going to lie, I was gagging for a threesome, but I was holding back because of Daisy (if I hadn’t, a threesome would have definitely transpired). Poppy was wiping the floor with us as more and more clothes were coming off. Steph was down to her Bra and Knickers, and I was down to my boxers while Poppy was basically fully clothed. Now I didn’t mind getting naked as I personally think my penis is kind of a big deal. This brash attitude led to me taking Steph all in to try and see some of the good stuff.
My plan worked (kind of) as Poppy won the hand so both Steph and I had to get naked. I saw a glint in her eye that suggested to me that she wanted to see me naked just as bad as I did her. Then, out of nowhere, Poppy started ripping off all of her clothes. We looked at her bemused and told her she didn’t have too, but, in her words, “she felt left out”. A M A Z I N G.
I’m not going to go into detail, as that would be crass, but both had great bodies, great bums and I won’t even mention their lady bits. If only they weren’t my housemates. Anyway, I digress. We were now all in our birthday suits, and I thought we had had our fun and presumed we would now get dressed and go to bed. However, this was certainly a night for surprises and a game ensued that I can only call “try and grab Archie’s Willy”. A game I thoroughly enjoyed.
I played along and tried to stop them, making it harder for them, so they didn’t think I was being creepy. But every once and a while, I would let them get a grab it, it was the kind thing to do really. We were rolling around on the floor completely naked and I saw everything, and even writing about this now is getting me a hot under the collar. Every bloke should get to do this once, with no other blokes to interfere. Best. Night. Ever.
Needless to say, when Pilch came home and I informed him of what happened, he was extremely jealous. He should have calmed down earlier.
Archie Balman 