Extract – 29th August

This is the day I have been waiting for, since the exams. Today is my day of reckoning, Archie Balman does university. I like the sound of that. Imagine all those beautiful girls fawning after an Adonis, such as myself. The anticipation is almost debilitating. However, before I can fulfil my dream of embarking on a journey through the tantalising sex cauldron that is university, there are barriers to hurdle! –

1. The girlfriend! For those of you who don’t know me, I am an extremely loyal boyfriend. I couldn’t even think of touching the body of another rambunctious female, for the sense of guilt that would hang over me, would eat me from the inside out. I am similar to a captain refusing to leave his sinking ship. That sinking ship has become a metaphor for my relationship, even though I am extremely fond of her. The trouble is, she doesn’t share my lustful vision of life at university and would be a huge roadblock in me liaising with the opposite sex. I want the university life that they keep reporting on in the papers. It truly is a horrible choice to make. I think, like all great decision makers, I will decide on my course of action, after a nice long sleep and a cup of tea.
2. My below average grades. Grades tell you nothing about yourself. They are useless quantifiers of an archaic system. I am amazing and I have proof. My mum tells me, my girlfriend tells me and I tell myself at least 3 times a day. Grades are the last thing that a person should be judged on. However, the bigwigs in the modern education system think that my ability to complete a university degree is directly correlated to the grades that I get in my A-levels (half of which I spent in the girl’s school common room). Preposterous

Well, the second obstacle to my amazing new life at university is being sorted today! I am up at this ungodly hour because I am being carted off to scholl to get my grades. My future. Brilliant.

Interestingly, on Facebook, everyone is suggesting that they already have their offers from UCAS? Yet mine remains empty? Is this their banal attempt at humour?! I am Archie Balham, university is my calling, it’s where I am meant to be, yet no offers. Absolute disgrace.

Even my bloody brother has got an offer, albeit from Christchurch, and he’s a bloody moron. I must apologise to anybody who might read this for my profanities but I think you can see why I am so upset.

I’m off to school to get my results now. When I get back I should know whether I’m in or out. I better bloody be in.

It’s not good news! I got a B in economics, a C in politics and a D in maths. Those grades are not good enough to get into my first choice, Brighton. I will have to ring up and beg them to take me. Heartbreaking. Also, what is making matters ten times worse is that people are calling me up, asking whether or not I got in Brighton. No class.

F****** yes!! Just saw on UCAS, Brighton has finally accepted me. No big deal, they took their bloody time. I almost cried when I told my mum, but when my mum started crying those feelings shrivelled back inside me and I just wanted to slap her. Cannot stand it when a parent cries in front of me. It makes me feel things that I want to repress deep down. Emotion is not on my accepted hobby list.